Dear Louis-
May I call you Louis? I'm not sure how we're all supposed to be pronouncing your name. Is it Loo-is or Loo-ey? I prefer Loo-ey, so that is what I shall be calling you in my mind as I type you this note.
First of all, you're adorable. You are the perfect little chubby baby, and the fact that you are originally from New Orleans is going to get you lots of chicks when you get older. Also, your mom seems really nice, so you've got that going for you. You were born into this world with a loving family and, unfortunately, are now at the center of a nasty Hollywood divorce.
Your mother and father (?) obviously wanted you very much, as they've been trying to find you since four years before you were born. But during their search, Daddy got a little side tracked. You see, your Daddy is what some people would refer to as a "Bad Boy." This does not mean the same thing as when your mother says that to you after you knock over a vase with a whiffle ball. Daddy's nickname came from the fact that he has lots of tattoos and rides motorcycles. Your Daddy also had a few other "Mommies" before your Mommy. Your brother and sisters came from those other Mommies. Now, those other Mommies looked pretty similar. Both had blond hair, tattoos, and had "grown up" jobs where they made money for doing "grown up" things. Daddy seemed to like those physical traits (and careers) in the Mommies he dated. Until he met YOUR Mommy. Your Mommy is naturally beautiful, genuine, humble, and generous. She doesn't get into trouble with the police and is very good at her job (which is also a "grown up" job, but with actual acting involved. And more clothes.). When she met your Daddy, she thought he was a big scary man with all of his tattoos and bikes, but then they fell in love and got married.
Soon after they got married, they decided they wanted you. Being around your brother and sisters made Mommy want a baby of her own, so she began her long search. Along the way, Mommy kept making (real) movies and giving to charities, while Daddy worked at his famous bike shop and opened up a popular hamburger place. (Be very grateful that you've been born into such entrepreneurs, little one.)
At some point, Daddy realized that he missed Mommy because she was always away filming. So Daddy decided to find a Friend (Buddy). Let's save time and say FB. Daddy put out a search on his computer for an FB and a girl answered. Daddy was so lonely that he decided this girl would be his FB. Daddy realized that his FB had a "grown up" job just like the previous Mommies. He also saw that his FB had lots of tattoos - even some on her face. He didn't mind that she posed for "grown up" web sites, either. Daddy was just lonely and wanted some company. Daddy decided not to tell Mommy about his FB because he was afraid that Mommy would be mad.
When Mommy came home from her long movie shoots, Daddy would pretend not to have an FB. He would go to work and send grown up text messages to his FB, then go home and have dinner with Mommy. He still played the part of loving husband and father. Daddy and his FB were friends for a long time, and Mommy never knew.
Soon enough, you arrived, and everyone was happy. Before she found you, Mommy did a really good job in a movie and got nominated for lots of awards. Daddy went with her to all of the awards shows, and Mommy thanked him in her speeches. She even told the reporters how much she loved him and appreciated him. A few days after the awards shows, Daddy's FB called up a magazine and told them about her friendship with Daddy. When Mommy found out, she took you and moved out of Daddy's house. Mommy felt betrayed.
I know you don't understand all of this right now, dear child, but hopefully someday you will. Some people don't appreciate what they have when they are married; they're always looking for something better. Maybe they feel lonely, maybe they need attention, or maybe they're just bored. None of those things are a good excuse to hurt the person you are supposed to love more than anyone else in the world. You see, Daddy didn't see what he had in Mommy until it was too late. He decided to take the coward's way out and look outside the marriage instead of communicating his loneliness to Mommy. Daddy chose to lie, cheat, and ruin his family. Unfortunately, Daddy got caught. Unfortunately for him; because you, little one, will have a wonderful life with your Mommy.
And your Daddy? He has been in a hospital dealing with what he calls an addiction. Not a normal addiction, sweet boy. Not drugs or alcohol. Daddy is addicted to grown up things. He is addicted to Friend (Buddies). Daddy has lost his wife, his newborn baby, and the nation's respect. But Daddy has also done the one thing that may have saved him had he done it in the first place: He has screwed himself.
Love,
The World
flippin' genius
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