Mouth-Breathers

People are really starting to annoy me. Day after day, it seems like everyone around me has been given a list of my biggest pet peeves and they’re just checking each one off. Allow me to give you an example.

There’s this new woman who works in my office – she doesn’t work with our program, but I still share an office with her. First of all, she mumbles to herself. I can usually ignore this, as I often wear headphones at work. But it’s not just the usual mumbling. It’s weird mumbling. Her computer keeps freezing, and she’ll just sit there and say “Uh oh. Oh no. Ooohh. Um. Uuum. My computer. My compuuuter.” NO JOKE. And then her boss, Kate, will have to come out, annoyed as hell, and say, “What now, Judy?” (This woman’s name isn’t actually Judy, but she looks like a Judy, so I’m naming her Judy in this blog, ok?) And Judy will be sitting there pounding Control-Alt-Delete over and over again until Kate has to yell at her to stop. She’s done this 3 times now, all in the past two weeks. She’s probably 45, and apparently can’t retain much information if she has to be told not to do something more than once in a two week span.

Judy also laughs too loud, and for too long. Kate will say something that maybe requires a polite chuckle, but Judy will draw out her laugh for a good 30 seconds. I just sit here on the other side of the cubicle, cringing and covering my face. Even worse, sometimes she’ll laugh so long that I’ll think it’s over, only to hear the sharp intake of breath a minute later, letting everyone know that she had laughed for so long that she had literally run out of breath and had to suck in another one to keep the laugh track going. This happened earlier today, when she got a phone call that confused her. The following is what happened:

Judy: “Uhh. Umm. Hmm. That was weird.”
Kate (exasperated sigh): “What happened?”
Judy: “Oh, that guy. He said (so-and-so)’s voicemail wasn’t picking up. Weird. That’s SO weird. Hmm.” (Side note: It’s not that weird.)
Kate: “Ok, well he probably dialed the wrong number.”
Judy: “Oh. OH. Uuuhhhhhuhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhhhhh……………” (That’s how she laughs.)
Full minute of silence, then:
(sucks in big breath) “uuuhuhuhuhuhuh.”

Really, Judy? Was it THAT funny?

Also, she brings in rather fragrant lunch choices every day and eats them at her desk. I can handle the oniony, meaty, moldy cheese, garlicky stench emanating from her side of the desk most days. What I cannot handle, however, is the way she eats. Lip smacking, tongue mashing, dramatic swallowing, cud chewing annoyance for a full hour. Sorry, I’m trying to concentrate over here. I really don’t want to hear your tongue pushing food around your teeth. After she’s done stirring macaroni and cheese in her mouth for all to hear, she’ll announce that she’s going to the bathroom and shuffle out of the room, dragging the heels of her moccasins all the way down the hallway. Listen- and this goes for everyone- life isn’t that rough. Pick up your feet when you walk, ya bums.

How do people not realize how awkward they’re being? I’m aware of when I’m being awkward. I make myself uncomfortable a lot, actually. I know when I’m talking or laughing too loud, often even acknowledging it to others around me. The worst thing for me is when I’m on a roll with some good jokes, making everyone laugh, and then ruin it by saying something dumb. And then no one says anything for a few seconds and I can just hear the last few words of what I said echoing over and over in my head, as I get more and more embarrassed. Sometimes I think I should be more like George Costanza in that one Seinfeld episode where he keeps leaving the room after a really good one-liner. I always forget that Seinfeld gave us some of the best life lessons for awkward situations. Like how to find out if your girlfriend’s boobs are fake or which girls’ names rhyme with parts of the female anatomy. (“Mulva?”)

My own stupidity aside, most of this boils down to manners and an awareness of those around you. When I’m in my office, I’m as quiet as a slug. (Not a mouse. I’ve never particularly cared for that saying, as I don’t think mice are all that quiet. They scurry, dig, and squeak. Now slugs, they’re quiet.) I actually feel bad when I type for long periods of time because I have an extremely old keyboard and it’s really loud. I listen to music quietly on my headphones; I’ve even taken them out and held them away from my ears to make sure Kate and Judy couldn’t hear the music at all. I’m not saying I’m more polite than the population. I’m just saying that I have manners and respect for other people. You won’t hear me randomly breaking into song in the middle of a workday for all to hear. (That was the girl Judy replaced.) I don’t slam drawers or file cabinets, and I sure as hell don’t hum or whistle. Seriously, has anyone ever whistled and had someone say, “That sounds awesome! Keep doing it!” That has never happened, ever. So knock it off.

Oh, and Judys of the world, one more thing, and this is a big one: If you need to blow your nose, please blow your nose. The constant sniffing and snorting is like Chinese water torture, and I know for a fact that you have a full box of tissues right on your desk. Mouth-breathing is not an attractive quality and let’s just say that with this, plus all of the other things I’ve mentioned, you’ve pretty much guaranteed yourself a spot on the “Don’t cc her for the office happy hour” list.

Let this be a lesson to all of you office workers out there. Stupidity, incessant awkwardness, chewing with your mouth open, and mouth-breathing don’t make you any friends. (And if you’re going to eat lunch at your desk, perhaps bring something that won’t stink the office up for 4 hours, like a salad.)

Take those yummy nuggets of wisdom and chew on them for a bit.