Tonight, I decided to get off my lazy ass and go to the grocery store to procure more lazy-ass supplies (ie, various cheese snacks, frozen corn, and fruit strips). At Von's, which is LA's version of Tops, there is only one cashier open after 9pm and no self checkout. So as I'm standing in line with my random hodgepodge of the things I consider treats these days, I noticed that the girl being rung out couldn't find her Von's card. Before the words, "I can't find it" were even out of her mouth, the two men on either side of me were ripping pockets open trying to loan her their cards.
Was the girl normal looking? Of course not. Clad in the late night LA shopping uniform of black leggings and a oversized, off the shoulder t-shirt, this girl looked like the long lost Kardashian sister. Maybe she auditioned to play a cousin on their "unscripted" reality show, but was rejected due to the only glaring difference between her and the sisters: She had a normal sized backside. Poor thing. I can only assume that she now spends her nights watching E! and refreshing Khloe Kardashian's Twitter feed.
Nah, I'm sure this girl generally does ok in life.
Anywho, the usual pleasantries were exchanged when a stranger does you a favor, and Kardashian Sister #4 shimmied off into the night. Moments later, a thought struck me. Hmm.
I was dressed in "boyfriend" jeans (cute name for jeans you can look like a frumpy asshole in, but it's ok because they're trendy) and a striped shirt - not a total scumbag, but nothing to cause a dramatic spit take. I had showered today, and still had on (at least half of) the makeup I had applied this morning. What if I couldn't find MY Von's card?
As the cashier rang up my items and did that inexplicable thing where they put a paper bag INSIDE a plastic one to bag your items (note to baggers and cashiers around the world: if I ask you for paper, it means I don't want you to use plastic in any capacity), I mumbled that I couldn't locate my card. I made a small scene where I rifled through my purse, huffing and puffing. (Editor's note: I knew where the card was the whole time, for my slower readers.)
The guys around me averted their eyes like I had just begun breast-feeding in front of them. I continued my ruse for just long enough to almost make it weird, then triumphantly pulled out the card. Nothing was said, no pockets were half heartedly patted, no wallet was reached for. It was almost embarrassing for me, if it weren't so embarrassing for the guys. How sad!
Listen, dear readers - doing little things like this could really give me a complex. And of course, there was definitely a moment where I thought, "Really, motherfuckers? This is how it's gonna be? 37 seconds after I WATCHED YOU give KS4 your card, you're going to pretend you have no idea that I exist? Got it." But it's so stupid, I really have to just shake my head and laugh. I mean, maybe it had nothing to do with KS4's tiny waist and my lumpy one. Maybe the guys prefer long dark hair as opposed to long red hair. Maybe they thought I had mental problems and they got embarrassed, like when you see a kid in a wheelchair at the mall and you feel bad but you kind of move away at the same time. Maybe they had used up their daily allotment for kindness. Or maybe they thought they were on Primetime: What Would You Do? and didn't like what they were wearing, so they didn't speak up for fear of being featured on tv in their jammies. Whatever. This is how this damn town works, and it's important to keep perspective. It's better to find things like this hilarious than to go home and cry into my cottage cheese because two douchers didn't look at me and immediately contemplate rapey situations.
At least I know that my mother raised me right, and I will always over tip, smile at strangers, ask a server how they're doing, make eye contact with the barista at Starbucks, and let people in when stuck in traffic. And, dear reader, if you ever find yourself at Von's without a card and I am in line behind you, I will always let you borrow mine. Even if you are a little person. And little people scare me.
At our grocery stores.. Using your store card earns you points for 10 cents off a gallon of gas... So everytime I go to the store there is always people willing to let others use their card! Better luck here! But I do have to say it wouldnt matter if Von's had the same promo running with their card because does anyone drive in LA?
ReplyDeleteOh yes, everyone drives here. I wish it were more like NYC, but it's not. I think Ralph's (a nicer grocery chain) gives reward points towards gas, but not Von's. It really ok - I did it on purpose, and I didn't take it personally. I was trying to prove a point, and feel vindicated that I was right!
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