LA Moms who can suck it:
1.) The Mom Who Sends Her 7 Year Old and 5 Year Old Into My Cafe Alone With a Sweaty $20: Listen, Moms, kids that age probably shouldn't go to the bathroom in your house alone, let alone wander down a busy street with visible money in their hands. If your child can't read and/or still calls you to wipe their asses after they poo, they are not up to ordering gelato on their own during a busy weekend rush. They point at the tags (remember, they're illiterate), and I can't see what they're pointing to, and then the SEVEN YEAR OLD talks to me like I'm an idiot because I didn't know they were pointing to the chocolate. Oh yeah, bitch? At least I wipe my own ass and can read The Cat in The Hat on my own before bed.
2.) The Mom Who Doesn't Teach Her Child Manners, And Seems To Encourage a General Sense of Entitlement And Scorn For People Who Serve Them: These moms are among my favorites, because they will literally stand there with their sunglasses on, looking bored, while their child talks to me like we're on their plantation in the South in 1860. They'll interrupt me, refuse to say please or thank you, and aggressively grab their cone/cup out of my hand and walk away. They'll ask to try flavors like Vanilla, just to be assholes. I'll say "Hi, how are you?" and the child will ignore me and demand a sample of Strawberry Chip. This makes me unbelievably sad.
3.) The Mom Who Lets Their 3 Year Old Make All of The Decisions And Has All The Time In The World: These moms KILL me. They'll come in with an adorable child, barely old enough to say "ice cream," and they'll stand in front of the gelato case pondering EACH flavor (over 20), asking what the child is in the mood for. First piece of advice: before you go get "ice cream" (IT'S GELATO), perhaps ask your child how the mood is striking them. Is today a chocolate day? A raspberry day? Maybe some yummy Rocky Road? Ok, you've got a plan. LA mom doesn't do that. They'll ask their 3 year old things like, "How about Honey Fig Marscapone?" Their child will begin to loudly demand chocolate. The LA mom will then spend 5-15 minutes trying to reason with the 3 year old, who is at this point dangerously close to a spoiled-piece-of-shit tantrum.
Once a flavor is decided upon (note: the 3 year old always gets his way), the argument about cup size will begin. The child wants the large, of course. The mother wants him to have the "kiddie" size. The child obviously balks at the word "kiddie" and begins to lose his shit again. The mother smiles, not apologetically, just affectionately. How adorable your little asshole child is. LA mom will finally give a little and decide on an adult small. As I begin to scoop (at this point about to throw a tantrum of my very own), the child will decide he wants a cone instead. I have already scooped 4.5 ounces of gelato into the cup and adorned it with a small cookie straw and plastic spoon. The LA mom's response? "Oh, you want a cone?" This is said loud enough for me to hear, hoping that I'll rise to the occasion and save the day. Most times, I'll just plop the cup on the counter and stare stupidly, forcing LA mom to ask me. She'll wince slightly and say, "He wants a cone. Is it...is it too late?" Too late? Why would it be too late? I've basically completed the transaction, the gelato is already melting in the expensive cup that I'll now have to throw out, and the nice couple behind you has now been waiting patiently for 20 minutes while you talk to your 3 year old like an elderly father with dementia. Nah, let me put that on a cone for you! After this, a few more "requests" are demanded of me before we can be out of each other's lives for good. (ie: "I WANT SPRINKLES!! I WANT TWO EXTRA CHOCOLATE STRAWS! I DROPPED MY SPOON! I DROPPED MY CONE!") All the while, there are no sheepish apologies, no explanations of missed naps or troubled phases. Just a swipe of the credit card and the shining beacon that is our future can happily sit wherever he wants, where he will promptly spill and smear gelato all over his immediate area and LA mom will leave it for me to clean without so much as a head's up.
Final note on LA Mom #3 - HE IS A CHILD. TELL HIM HE GETS A SMALL VANILLA OR HE'S GOING HOME WITH NOTHING. I cannot wait until that asshole is a teenager.
4.) LA Mom Who Lets Their Tween Child Order a Decaf Latte...But Only If It's "Nonfat:" This is wrong on so many levels, I can't even. I mean, this place is lousy with stage moms, but to blatantly and pointedly make your kid get a nonfat drink? Trust me, it ain't because it's good for them. It's because LA mom wants her meal ticket to look perfect for her audition for the new Bratz Dollz commercial next week. Just. Gross.
Again, there are a lot of wonderful moms who come in, too. They have lovely, well-behaved children who smile and say "thank you" and are a pleasure to deal with. But some moms...just, no. Some of these ladies need to step back and reevaluate what they're contributing to society. The world doesn't need any more Lindsay Lohans, ok? Please.
**PS** I almost forgot to tell you guys - My boss' son came in second place in the Southwest Barista Competition...and today, made it to the TOP SIX at the Nationals. To put it like I told BRO today, "It's like a Miss USA pageant. He was Miss Southwest. If he wins the national competition, he'll be Miss USA. And then he'll go on to the world competition, representing the US. So if he wins that one...I guess he'll be Miss Universe?" I just think it's neat that I work at this tiny shop, and this dude is so good that he's gone this far in the competition. My place of employment is turning me into a big coffee nerd, and my boss' son is largely responsible for that. Good Luck, Nik!!
**PPS** Celebrity Sightings of The Week!
1.) Ian Ziering (aka Steve Sanders of the original Beverly Hills 90210): I know I sort of told you about this one already, but he was just so freaking cool and nice, I thought I'd elaborate. He and his very pregnant wife came in. Ordered gelato. He got a coffee. We use a pour over system, so we brew every cup individually. He was giving my coworker such a hard time about it, it was hilarious. "Don't mess it up, dude. I could have you fired." So awesome. And equally cool? His hot pregnant wife had the baby only days later.
2.) Justin Bruening and Alexa Havins (former Babe Chandler and Jamie Martin from All My Children): Only soap fans will know these ones, but they come in all the time and I forget to mention it. They are the hottest, but sweetest couple ever, and they have probably the cutest baby in LA. And Justin is the nicest guy. He'll chat with us all day if he's alone. So cute.
3.) Jenna Fischer (aka Pam Beesley-Halpert of The Office): Omg, so exciting. Especially since I just cried my ass off this week at the Pam-Michael scene on The Office. She was dressed down, with a friend and her baby. She was SO nice, and I kissed her ass like it was my job. Need to use our bathroom? GO AHEAD! Fill up your water bottle with ice and filtered water? GIVE IT HERE. She asked me to recommend a gelato to her, and I told her that biscotti is one of my faves. (Yes, I said "faves.") She immediately ordered it without sampling first and thanked me. She hung out for a while. It was awesome.
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