Dear prospective tenants,
Hello! Thank you for inquiring about our wonderful apartment complex, the Elmwood Heights, located right in the heart of the Elmwood Village! We offer extremely outdated studio and one bedroom apartments for much higher rent than should be legally possible! Right now, we have about twelve apartments available, as we cannot seem to keep anyone here longer than a few months. So, as a prospective tenant, you'll have your pick of several dirty apartments throughout the building!
Have you ever dreamed of having a quiet space to call your own? Perhaps somewhere you can get homework done or read a book uninterrupted on a Sunday afternoon? Well, look anywhere but the Elmwood Heights!! In our building, we have windows as old as the foundation and walls as thin as paper! Sure to be beneficial on those lazy Saturday mornings in bed as you listen to your neighbors have sex! The upside is, you'll really feel like you're in the same room as them!! Do you love to hear your neighbors do everything from fighting and vacuuming, to snoring and sneezing? Well, you've come to the right place!
Here at the Elmwood Heights, we pride ourselves on taking your money and never doing a bit of maintenance around the building!! No smoke detectors in your unit? Oh well!! Fridge broken? Not our problem - get a new one! Front door broken during the winter time? Well, you have a back door - and with just two steep flights of stairs until you reach ground level, it's really a convenient exit for those snowy and slippery nights! Only two out of eight dryers working in the laundry room? Don't worry about it! We'll get to it sometime in the next three years!
We also have a building manager on site for six hours a week! That means that anytime something goes wrong, you can call down and we'll get back to you in three to five business days! We really strive to make your living experience as stress free as possible, which is why we always return your call after you've left at least four messages. That's just how we believe our tenants deserve to be treated!! During your stay at the Elmwood Heights, the building manager may change anywhere from two to four times. Fret not - when you eventually get ahold of the new manager, they'll probably give you their name.
Winter time in Buffalo can be beautiful, but cold. That's why we here at the Elmwood Heights pride ourselves on either not turning the heat on for days at a time, or turning it up so high you'll sweat through your sheets! We take care of our tenants - so much so that we even salt the back stairs and garbage area once a month! Large icicles hanging from the building shouldn't cause alarm - we see them as God's way of weeding out the unobservant! Heads up!! As for the front stairs, enough foot traffic will eventually pack the snow and ice far enough down so that you can see where you're stepping.
If something comes up and you have to be late with your rent, that's fine! On your lease is a clause for late fees, but we never actually collect them unless you get about a month and a half behind - at that point, we accumulate every half hour you've ever been late with your rent and charge you for it!! It's only fair. But if you're late, we probably won't even contact you! Or if we do, we leave vague mumbling messages that you never fully understand. (Elmwood Heights is an equal opportunity employer.) When you get to be so late that we must take action, we'll usually call your parents to tattle on you. Then, when you send in money, we may begin eviction proceedings anyways, claiming that you haven't paid your rent in six months. You understand, don't you? This is a business we're running, after all!
And finally, here at Elmwood Heights, we pride ourselves on welcoming a diverse collection of tenants from all walks of life. Those police sirens howling toward the building probably aren't coming here. And if you see an article in the paper the next day, there definitely wasn't a heroin bust in the apartment under you. They most likely got the address wrong, as they tend to do!! Also, no matter what the EMTs tell you, that man they just brought out on a stretcher did not overdose - we believe he just needed a ride to his yearly check up!! If there are various hoodlums perched on your front stoop night after night for months drinking 40s and causing trouble, don't worry - they just want to wish you a good evening and perhaps bum a cigarette or three dollars. They're harmless, and we are delighted they chose our building to sell their drugs out of! That loud, frightening man next door who screams obscenities for hours on end?? Why, he's just watching reruns of Wheel of Fortune! Who couldn't understand his frustration at the contestants for not knowing the puzzles? We've all been there, right??
Elmwood Heights would like to thank you for your interest in our apartment building. Please call the office to set up a showing so you can see one of the beautiful apartments we spoke about! (Most of them include luxurious features such as broken screens, holes in the walls, stained carpets, leaking faucets, non functioning light fixtures, unsafe locks, beautiful views into the apartment next door, toilets that occasionally flush, AND dirty kitchen floors that - with even the strongest cleaning products - will NEVER come clean!!) Don't miss out this exciting opportunity - start your city living experience today at The Best Address in Town!!!
Sincerely,
Larry or Ricky or Jessica or Isabel or whichever building manager is working there by the time you call for a showing.
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