If you're like me and one of your guilty pleasures is horrible reality shows, then you surely tuned in for tonight's Bachelor finale. Bachelor Jake Pavelka was down to his final two women: dull-but-sweet Tenley and crazy-but-willing-to-have-sex-alot Vienna. What ever happened to the Jennifers and Susans and Kellys? Now it's Tenley and Vienna and Kipton and Reid. So odd. I'm not going to recap the entire episode. Unless you've lived under a rock for the past few months, you knew Jake was going to pick Vienna. (Wait, you don't read spoilers every day like I do? Oh, then maybe this was a shock to you...)
Here's the thing: We all know how these Bachelor shows work. Out of what, 13 seasons, there has been exactly one marriage in all of Bachelor history. And that wedding happened this past Saturday. (I'm not counting Trista and Ryan, as that was a product of the Bachelorette.) Do I think Jake and Vienna *think* they love eachother at this moment? Sure they do. They knew eachother for 5 weeks before getting engaged, spent 3 months apart, and are now doing talk shows together. It's all exciting and new right now, but once they actually have to spend a Wednesday night together, with no cameras or hosts or exotic locales to help them, they're going to realize what a joke this all was. Vienna is a spoiled, manipulative, bitchy girl. Jake is a pandering, over-the-top, over emotional dork. It'll never work. Can you imagine even having a normal conversation with this guy? I think I'd probably look at him after 3 minutes and say, "Why the hell are you acting like that? Stop smiling so hard. Stop making cheesy jokes. I hate you."
Tenley, on the other hand, was perfect for Jake because she's a shy, sweet dork, too. But her problem was this: She talked about her ex husband way too much. Anyone with a brain could see that she's stil not over the pain and humiliation that this guy caused her. She needs to step out of the dating game for a while and reevaluate. Also, asexual Jake suddenly wanted a woman who would throw herself at him at every opportunity, and sweet little Tenley just isn't that kind of girl. So, the horse haired muppet with the fake boobs wins! Great choice, Jake!
And really? Jake's going to be on Dancing With the Stars? Since when do people who participate on the Bachelor become "overnight stars?" Jake doesn't have star quality. I give him 2 weeks, tops. I'm already cringing just thinking about that awkward bastard trying to do a paso doble. God help us.
Other "stars" joining this season of DWTS:
-Pamela Anderson: She definitely won't win the hearts of the voting soccer moms out there. I'm not sure they have enough glittery outfits to cover her disco balls. It'll be a blast to see (on/off) forever man-love Tommy Lee in the audience, though. You know he'll be making innapropriate hand gestures at Tom Bergeron.
-Shannon Doherty: Will she be bitchy?? Please let her be bitchy!
-Chad Ochocinco: Token football player. (Will he be light on his toes?? Stay tuned!) DTWS is grasping at straws to get more male viewers.
-Erin Andrews: Some chick from ESPN. Don't know her, but I'm sure this is another attempt at drawing the husbands in.
-Aiden Turner: Token ABC soap opera star. Network plug, abs, Australian accent, etc...
-Buzz Aldrin: Why do they do this to me every year?! They bring on an adorable old man, then break my heart when he inevitably gets voted off. Vote for Buzz!!
-Niecy Nash: Claim to fame? Reno 911! Where is she now? Provoking fights with Jon Gosselin on The Insider. DWTS is a step up, for sure.
-Nicole Scherzinger: Token leggy chick with a dancing background. This season's Stacy Keebler. She'll go far, simply because she'll be good. And because you all wish your girlfriends were hot like her. Don't cha.
-Evan Lysacek: Uber-metrosexual gold medal winning figure skater, who apparently likes to punish his body as much as possible. Did he even take a day off between winning the freaking gold medal and DWTS? Hope he's not one of the injured this season...it'd be a shame to ruin a career just to be on tv.
-Kate Gosselin: One of the only reasons I'll be tuning in this season, if only for the fact that she will go all "mommy" on Len and Bruno's asses. And also, because I want to be all "in your FACE, Jon Gosselin."
In other news, Jay Leno returned to the Tonight Show tonight. Did I watch it? For a few minutes, if only to reignite my anger towards him. He made an immature comment at the start of the show; "It's good to be home." Right, Jay, because your show was stolen from you. What a baby. Betty White made her obligatory television appearance of the week. I'm trying not to judge her decision to appear on Jay's show because I adore her so much.
Jamie Foxx was Leno's first guest, and he was obviously on some sort of speed-like drug. He refused to sit down, randomly broke into song, made several "junk in the trunk" references, and spilled water all over the floor in front of Jay's desk. Oh, and he sprayed the audience with champagne. I'd have been so pissed. "Um, this is probably the only time in my life I'll be on tv, and now I'm drenched with champagne? My hair is RUINED."
Other than that, the show almost bored me to sleep. September can't come soon enough. Team Coco!!
(Conan O'Brien is now on twitter, and he is delightfully funny. Follow him. @conanobrien)
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