Dear prospective tenants,
Hello! Thank you for inquiring about our wonderful apartment complex, the Elmwood Heights, located right in the heart of the Elmwood Village! We offer extremely outdated studio and one bedroom apartments for much higher rent than should be legally possible! Right now, we have about twelve apartments available, as we cannot seem to keep anyone here longer than a few months. So, as a prospective tenant, you'll have your pick of several dirty apartments throughout the building!
Have you ever dreamed of having a quiet space to call your own? Perhaps somewhere you can get homework done or read a book uninterrupted on a Sunday afternoon? Well, look anywhere but the Elmwood Heights!! In our building, we have windows as old as the foundation and walls as thin as paper! Sure to be beneficial on those lazy Saturday mornings in bed as you listen to your neighbors have sex! The upside is, you'll really feel like you're in the same room as them!! Do you love to hear your neighbors do everything from fighting and vacuuming, to snoring and sneezing? Well, you've come to the right place!
Here at the Elmwood Heights, we pride ourselves on taking your money and never doing a bit of maintenance around the building!! No smoke detectors in your unit? Oh well!! Fridge broken? Not our problem - get a new one! Front door broken during the winter time? Well, you have a back door - and with just two steep flights of stairs until you reach ground level, it's really a convenient exit for those snowy and slippery nights! Only two out of eight dryers working in the laundry room? Don't worry about it! We'll get to it sometime in the next three years!
We also have a building manager on site for six hours a week! That means that anytime something goes wrong, you can call down and we'll get back to you in three to five business days! We really strive to make your living experience as stress free as possible, which is why we always return your call after you've left at least four messages. That's just how we believe our tenants deserve to be treated!! During your stay at the Elmwood Heights, the building manager may change anywhere from two to four times. Fret not - when you eventually get ahold of the new manager, they'll probably give you their name.
Winter time in Buffalo can be beautiful, but cold. That's why we here at the Elmwood Heights pride ourselves on either not turning the heat on for days at a time, or turning it up so high you'll sweat through your sheets! We take care of our tenants - so much so that we even salt the back stairs and garbage area once a month! Large icicles hanging from the building shouldn't cause alarm - we see them as God's way of weeding out the unobservant! Heads up!! As for the front stairs, enough foot traffic will eventually pack the snow and ice far enough down so that you can see where you're stepping.
If something comes up and you have to be late with your rent, that's fine! On your lease is a clause for late fees, but we never actually collect them unless you get about a month and a half behind - at that point, we accumulate every half hour you've ever been late with your rent and charge you for it!! It's only fair. But if you're late, we probably won't even contact you! Or if we do, we leave vague mumbling messages that you never fully understand. (Elmwood Heights is an equal opportunity employer.) When you get to be so late that we must take action, we'll usually call your parents to tattle on you. Then, when you send in money, we may begin eviction proceedings anyways, claiming that you haven't paid your rent in six months. You understand, don't you? This is a business we're running, after all!
And finally, here at Elmwood Heights, we pride ourselves on welcoming a diverse collection of tenants from all walks of life. Those police sirens howling toward the building probably aren't coming here. And if you see an article in the paper the next day, there definitely wasn't a heroin bust in the apartment under you. They most likely got the address wrong, as they tend to do!! Also, no matter what the EMTs tell you, that man they just brought out on a stretcher did not overdose - we believe he just needed a ride to his yearly check up!! If there are various hoodlums perched on your front stoop night after night for months drinking 40s and causing trouble, don't worry - they just want to wish you a good evening and perhaps bum a cigarette or three dollars. They're harmless, and we are delighted they chose our building to sell their drugs out of! That loud, frightening man next door who screams obscenities for hours on end?? Why, he's just watching reruns of Wheel of Fortune! Who couldn't understand his frustration at the contestants for not knowing the puzzles? We've all been there, right??
Elmwood Heights would like to thank you for your interest in our apartment building. Please call the office to set up a showing so you can see one of the beautiful apartments we spoke about! (Most of them include luxurious features such as broken screens, holes in the walls, stained carpets, leaking faucets, non functioning light fixtures, unsafe locks, beautiful views into the apartment next door, toilets that occasionally flush, AND dirty kitchen floors that - with even the strongest cleaning products - will NEVER come clean!!) Don't miss out this exciting opportunity - start your city living experience today at The Best Address in Town!!!
Sincerely,
Larry or Ricky or Jessica or Isabel or whichever building manager is working there by the time you call for a showing.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
(Insert cliche song lyrics here)
I'm having some issues with my apartment, and I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't just leave now and spend my last few months living with my mother and saving money. However, there are some problems with this plan. First of all, I love my family, but I would probably kill them or myself if I had to live with them again. My mother and I get along great when we're not sharing living quarters, but put me in a kitchen with her for longer than an hour and I revert to a sullen, bitchy 14 year old. Also, and this is more important- I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye to my life in the city yet. In my mind, I'm so looking forward to getting to LA and starting what is surely to be an exciting new chapter in my life. But not spending these last few months I have with my friends in my familiar neighborhood might be jumping the gun a bit. Of course, I'd still see everyone, but not on my terms. There would be rides to figure out, couches to crash on, gas money to waste. There would be less happy hours and movie nights, fewer pop-ins and beer runs, and hardly any impromptu late nights at ETS.
I'd have to say goodbye to my friends at Mobil who love George, my (sometimes twice) weekly walks down to the neighborhood bar, and the bums who brighten my days. No more stinky buses. No more screaming schizophrenic neighbor. No more late night drunken phone calls to random people to come over immediately and watch whatever movie I'm obsessed with that week.
Am I ready to give up my privacy? I mean, I'm moving to LA with my brother and brother-in-law, so I'm prepared for roommates...but not for 4 more months. If I moved out of my place, it would be by mid April, and I'm not sure I'm willing or able to sacrifice those last precious moments on my own. George and I have our routine, and moving in with 2 gays, two dogs, and a gruff, loud adult is not something I've mentally prepared for. My entire social life would be dictated by who was available to drive me to and from the city. How would I get to work and school? Where would I go on my breaks? Where would I sleep if I got drunk and needed somewhere to crash? These are all important questions, I tell you.
But the upside of moving to my mother's is that I'd actually be able to put some money in the bank for LA. Going there with $68 in my account is not really ideal. Someone would be home with George at all times. I could get everything packed up and sorted out well before the big move, which if you know me at all, most likely wouldn't happen until 2 days before we leave if I stay at my apartment. I'd like to be organized and really only take the things I need, and to do that I need to start packing well before July. So leaving the city now would definitely help me out in that department.
I'm just not sure what to do. Do the grown-up thing and save money? Or spend what could be my last 4 months in Buffalo with my friends, doing what I love doing and saying goodbye properly? Unfortunately, the final decision may not even be up to me at this point, but I can't get into that until I find out more information. (I'm so cryptic, right?)
In other news:
--So Corey Haim died, you guys. Am I shocked? No. Saddened? Sure, if only because it's yet another young person who fell victim to the temptations of Hollywood. I completely understand that drug addiction is no laughing matter, but overdoses have to be in the top 5 of preventable deaths, right next to impaling oneself on a chainsaw or falling off of a cliff. Drugs are just so stupid to me, but I suppose I could say the same thing about cigarettes and alcohol (2 of my most cherished friends). It's a shame because his friends and family will say "if only we could have helped." But Corey had to want to help himself, and judging by his many relapses, he was kind of a lost cause. Rest In Peace, Corey Haim. I'll always love "License to Drive" and "The Lost Boys."
(I'm also pretty sure that Corey Haim starred in the very first (soft-core) porn I saw. It was on Cinemax one night when I was dog sitting at my aunt's house. I wish I could remember the name of that movie...the girl was blonde...any help?)
I guess my point here is this: When are these people going to wake up? What has to happen to friends and colleagues to make them say, "Shit, that could've been me. Time to high-tail it to my nearest rehab center and get my life together." Sure, it may not be that easy, but when you see young Hollywood dropping like flies all around you, wouldn't you give it everything you had? Heath Ledger, DJ AM, Brittany Murphy, Casey Johnson, Andrew Koenig, Michael Jackson...hell, even Anna Nicole Smith. Look at Linsday Lohan - her life could also be a warning to those looking to lose themselves in their addictions. Promising young actress, now can't even be cast in direct-to-DVD movies. Such a waste.
I'll get off my soap box. Remember, kids: Give hugs, not drugs.
Other random stuff from this week:
-The Oscars were cool, but way too long as usual. When will they learn that random Horror Movie montages and inappropriate dance numbers are unnecessary?
-I just signed up for Netflix, and for someone without cable, it is the BEST THING EVER. Really. EVER.
-I love that Jessica Simpson is using John Mayer's "Foot-In-Mouth-Gate 2010" as an opportunity to go on every talk show available and feign outrage at being outed as "sexual napalm." Um, if John Mayer wants to tell Playboy that he wanted to "f*cking snort" me, I'd be cool with it. I'd probably even send him a cookie bouquet.
-Hilary Duff is writing a novel? A small part of me just died.
-Gisele Bundchen keeps talking about giving birth; this week the headline was "Giving Birth Was the Most Intense Experience of my Life." Really, Gisele? I figured it was a walk in the park. A calming experience, even. I was always told that they play nice music and light scented candles (perhaps jasmine and honeysuckle), all of which lulls you gently into a deep slumber...and then when you wake up, you have a quiet little wrinkled human in your arms. Wait, what? It comes out of...where?? You push...WHAT?! For the love of God, NO! Hey Gisele, go back to being pretty. We don't need to hear about your birth canal.
Thank you and Goodnight.
I'd have to say goodbye to my friends at Mobil who love George, my (sometimes twice) weekly walks down to the neighborhood bar, and the bums who brighten my days. No more stinky buses. No more screaming schizophrenic neighbor. No more late night drunken phone calls to random people to come over immediately and watch whatever movie I'm obsessed with that week.
Am I ready to give up my privacy? I mean, I'm moving to LA with my brother and brother-in-law, so I'm prepared for roommates...but not for 4 more months. If I moved out of my place, it would be by mid April, and I'm not sure I'm willing or able to sacrifice those last precious moments on my own. George and I have our routine, and moving in with 2 gays, two dogs, and a gruff, loud adult is not something I've mentally prepared for. My entire social life would be dictated by who was available to drive me to and from the city. How would I get to work and school? Where would I go on my breaks? Where would I sleep if I got drunk and needed somewhere to crash? These are all important questions, I tell you.
But the upside of moving to my mother's is that I'd actually be able to put some money in the bank for LA. Going there with $68 in my account is not really ideal. Someone would be home with George at all times. I could get everything packed up and sorted out well before the big move, which if you know me at all, most likely wouldn't happen until 2 days before we leave if I stay at my apartment. I'd like to be organized and really only take the things I need, and to do that I need to start packing well before July. So leaving the city now would definitely help me out in that department.
I'm just not sure what to do. Do the grown-up thing and save money? Or spend what could be my last 4 months in Buffalo with my friends, doing what I love doing and saying goodbye properly? Unfortunately, the final decision may not even be up to me at this point, but I can't get into that until I find out more information. (I'm so cryptic, right?)
In other news:
--So Corey Haim died, you guys. Am I shocked? No. Saddened? Sure, if only because it's yet another young person who fell victim to the temptations of Hollywood. I completely understand that drug addiction is no laughing matter, but overdoses have to be in the top 5 of preventable deaths, right next to impaling oneself on a chainsaw or falling off of a cliff. Drugs are just so stupid to me, but I suppose I could say the same thing about cigarettes and alcohol (2 of my most cherished friends). It's a shame because his friends and family will say "if only we could have helped." But Corey had to want to help himself, and judging by his many relapses, he was kind of a lost cause. Rest In Peace, Corey Haim. I'll always love "License to Drive" and "The Lost Boys."
(I'm also pretty sure that Corey Haim starred in the very first (soft-core) porn I saw. It was on Cinemax one night when I was dog sitting at my aunt's house. I wish I could remember the name of that movie...the girl was blonde...any help?)
I guess my point here is this: When are these people going to wake up? What has to happen to friends and colleagues to make them say, "Shit, that could've been me. Time to high-tail it to my nearest rehab center and get my life together." Sure, it may not be that easy, but when you see young Hollywood dropping like flies all around you, wouldn't you give it everything you had? Heath Ledger, DJ AM, Brittany Murphy, Casey Johnson, Andrew Koenig, Michael Jackson...hell, even Anna Nicole Smith. Look at Linsday Lohan - her life could also be a warning to those looking to lose themselves in their addictions. Promising young actress, now can't even be cast in direct-to-DVD movies. Such a waste.
I'll get off my soap box. Remember, kids: Give hugs, not drugs.
Other random stuff from this week:
-The Oscars were cool, but way too long as usual. When will they learn that random Horror Movie montages and inappropriate dance numbers are unnecessary?
-I just signed up for Netflix, and for someone without cable, it is the BEST THING EVER. Really. EVER.
-I love that Jessica Simpson is using John Mayer's "Foot-In-Mouth-Gate 2010" as an opportunity to go on every talk show available and feign outrage at being outed as "sexual napalm." Um, if John Mayer wants to tell Playboy that he wanted to "f*cking snort" me, I'd be cool with it. I'd probably even send him a cookie bouquet.
-Hilary Duff is writing a novel? A small part of me just died.
-Gisele Bundchen keeps talking about giving birth; this week the headline was "Giving Birth Was the Most Intense Experience of my Life." Really, Gisele? I figured it was a walk in the park. A calming experience, even. I was always told that they play nice music and light scented candles (perhaps jasmine and honeysuckle), all of which lulls you gently into a deep slumber...and then when you wake up, you have a quiet little wrinkled human in your arms. Wait, what? It comes out of...where?? You push...WHAT?! For the love of God, NO! Hey Gisele, go back to being pretty. We don't need to hear about your birth canal.
Thank you and Goodnight.
Monday, March 1, 2010
The Bachelor, DWTS, and Jay's Return
If you're like me and one of your guilty pleasures is horrible reality shows, then you surely tuned in for tonight's Bachelor finale. Bachelor Jake Pavelka was down to his final two women: dull-but-sweet Tenley and crazy-but-willing-to-have-sex-alot Vienna. What ever happened to the Jennifers and Susans and Kellys? Now it's Tenley and Vienna and Kipton and Reid. So odd. I'm not going to recap the entire episode. Unless you've lived under a rock for the past few months, you knew Jake was going to pick Vienna. (Wait, you don't read spoilers every day like I do? Oh, then maybe this was a shock to you...)
Here's the thing: We all know how these Bachelor shows work. Out of what, 13 seasons, there has been exactly one marriage in all of Bachelor history. And that wedding happened this past Saturday. (I'm not counting Trista and Ryan, as that was a product of the Bachelorette.) Do I think Jake and Vienna *think* they love eachother at this moment? Sure they do. They knew eachother for 5 weeks before getting engaged, spent 3 months apart, and are now doing talk shows together. It's all exciting and new right now, but once they actually have to spend a Wednesday night together, with no cameras or hosts or exotic locales to help them, they're going to realize what a joke this all was. Vienna is a spoiled, manipulative, bitchy girl. Jake is a pandering, over-the-top, over emotional dork. It'll never work. Can you imagine even having a normal conversation with this guy? I think I'd probably look at him after 3 minutes and say, "Why the hell are you acting like that? Stop smiling so hard. Stop making cheesy jokes. I hate you."
Tenley, on the other hand, was perfect for Jake because she's a shy, sweet dork, too. But her problem was this: She talked about her ex husband way too much. Anyone with a brain could see that she's stil not over the pain and humiliation that this guy caused her. She needs to step out of the dating game for a while and reevaluate. Also, asexual Jake suddenly wanted a woman who would throw herself at him at every opportunity, and sweet little Tenley just isn't that kind of girl. So, the horse haired muppet with the fake boobs wins! Great choice, Jake!
And really? Jake's going to be on Dancing With the Stars? Since when do people who participate on the Bachelor become "overnight stars?" Jake doesn't have star quality. I give him 2 weeks, tops. I'm already cringing just thinking about that awkward bastard trying to do a paso doble. God help us.
Other "stars" joining this season of DWTS:
-Pamela Anderson: She definitely won't win the hearts of the voting soccer moms out there. I'm not sure they have enough glittery outfits to cover her disco balls. It'll be a blast to see (on/off) forever man-love Tommy Lee in the audience, though. You know he'll be making innapropriate hand gestures at Tom Bergeron.
-Shannon Doherty: Will she be bitchy?? Please let her be bitchy!
-Chad Ochocinco: Token football player. (Will he be light on his toes?? Stay tuned!) DTWS is grasping at straws to get more male viewers.
-Erin Andrews: Some chick from ESPN. Don't know her, but I'm sure this is another attempt at drawing the husbands in.
-Aiden Turner: Token ABC soap opera star. Network plug, abs, Australian accent, etc...
-Buzz Aldrin: Why do they do this to me every year?! They bring on an adorable old man, then break my heart when he inevitably gets voted off. Vote for Buzz!!
-Niecy Nash: Claim to fame? Reno 911! Where is she now? Provoking fights with Jon Gosselin on The Insider. DWTS is a step up, for sure.
-Nicole Scherzinger: Token leggy chick with a dancing background. This season's Stacy Keebler. She'll go far, simply because she'll be good. And because you all wish your girlfriends were hot like her. Don't cha.
-Evan Lysacek: Uber-metrosexual gold medal winning figure skater, who apparently likes to punish his body as much as possible. Did he even take a day off between winning the freaking gold medal and DWTS? Hope he's not one of the injured this season...it'd be a shame to ruin a career just to be on tv.
-Kate Gosselin: One of the only reasons I'll be tuning in this season, if only for the fact that she will go all "mommy" on Len and Bruno's asses. And also, because I want to be all "in your FACE, Jon Gosselin."
In other news, Jay Leno returned to the Tonight Show tonight. Did I watch it? For a few minutes, if only to reignite my anger towards him. He made an immature comment at the start of the show; "It's good to be home." Right, Jay, because your show was stolen from you. What a baby. Betty White made her obligatory television appearance of the week. I'm trying not to judge her decision to appear on Jay's show because I adore her so much.
Jamie Foxx was Leno's first guest, and he was obviously on some sort of speed-like drug. He refused to sit down, randomly broke into song, made several "junk in the trunk" references, and spilled water all over the floor in front of Jay's desk. Oh, and he sprayed the audience with champagne. I'd have been so pissed. "Um, this is probably the only time in my life I'll be on tv, and now I'm drenched with champagne? My hair is RUINED."
Other than that, the show almost bored me to sleep. September can't come soon enough. Team Coco!!
(Conan O'Brien is now on twitter, and he is delightfully funny. Follow him. @conanobrien)
Here's the thing: We all know how these Bachelor shows work. Out of what, 13 seasons, there has been exactly one marriage in all of Bachelor history. And that wedding happened this past Saturday. (I'm not counting Trista and Ryan, as that was a product of the Bachelorette.) Do I think Jake and Vienna *think* they love eachother at this moment? Sure they do. They knew eachother for 5 weeks before getting engaged, spent 3 months apart, and are now doing talk shows together. It's all exciting and new right now, but once they actually have to spend a Wednesday night together, with no cameras or hosts or exotic locales to help them, they're going to realize what a joke this all was. Vienna is a spoiled, manipulative, bitchy girl. Jake is a pandering, over-the-top, over emotional dork. It'll never work. Can you imagine even having a normal conversation with this guy? I think I'd probably look at him after 3 minutes and say, "Why the hell are you acting like that? Stop smiling so hard. Stop making cheesy jokes. I hate you."
Tenley, on the other hand, was perfect for Jake because she's a shy, sweet dork, too. But her problem was this: She talked about her ex husband way too much. Anyone with a brain could see that she's stil not over the pain and humiliation that this guy caused her. She needs to step out of the dating game for a while and reevaluate. Also, asexual Jake suddenly wanted a woman who would throw herself at him at every opportunity, and sweet little Tenley just isn't that kind of girl. So, the horse haired muppet with the fake boobs wins! Great choice, Jake!
And really? Jake's going to be on Dancing With the Stars? Since when do people who participate on the Bachelor become "overnight stars?" Jake doesn't have star quality. I give him 2 weeks, tops. I'm already cringing just thinking about that awkward bastard trying to do a paso doble. God help us.
Other "stars" joining this season of DWTS:
-Pamela Anderson: She definitely won't win the hearts of the voting soccer moms out there. I'm not sure they have enough glittery outfits to cover her disco balls. It'll be a blast to see (on/off) forever man-love Tommy Lee in the audience, though. You know he'll be making innapropriate hand gestures at Tom Bergeron.
-Shannon Doherty: Will she be bitchy?? Please let her be bitchy!
-Chad Ochocinco: Token football player. (Will he be light on his toes?? Stay tuned!) DTWS is grasping at straws to get more male viewers.
-Erin Andrews: Some chick from ESPN. Don't know her, but I'm sure this is another attempt at drawing the husbands in.
-Aiden Turner: Token ABC soap opera star. Network plug, abs, Australian accent, etc...
-Buzz Aldrin: Why do they do this to me every year?! They bring on an adorable old man, then break my heart when he inevitably gets voted off. Vote for Buzz!!
-Niecy Nash: Claim to fame? Reno 911! Where is she now? Provoking fights with Jon Gosselin on The Insider. DWTS is a step up, for sure.
-Nicole Scherzinger: Token leggy chick with a dancing background. This season's Stacy Keebler. She'll go far, simply because she'll be good. And because you all wish your girlfriends were hot like her. Don't cha.
-Evan Lysacek: Uber-metrosexual gold medal winning figure skater, who apparently likes to punish his body as much as possible. Did he even take a day off between winning the freaking gold medal and DWTS? Hope he's not one of the injured this season...it'd be a shame to ruin a career just to be on tv.
-Kate Gosselin: One of the only reasons I'll be tuning in this season, if only for the fact that she will go all "mommy" on Len and Bruno's asses. And also, because I want to be all "in your FACE, Jon Gosselin."
In other news, Jay Leno returned to the Tonight Show tonight. Did I watch it? For a few minutes, if only to reignite my anger towards him. He made an immature comment at the start of the show; "It's good to be home." Right, Jay, because your show was stolen from you. What a baby. Betty White made her obligatory television appearance of the week. I'm trying not to judge her decision to appear on Jay's show because I adore her so much.
Jamie Foxx was Leno's first guest, and he was obviously on some sort of speed-like drug. He refused to sit down, randomly broke into song, made several "junk in the trunk" references, and spilled water all over the floor in front of Jay's desk. Oh, and he sprayed the audience with champagne. I'd have been so pissed. "Um, this is probably the only time in my life I'll be on tv, and now I'm drenched with champagne? My hair is RUINED."
Other than that, the show almost bored me to sleep. September can't come soon enough. Team Coco!!
(Conan O'Brien is now on twitter, and he is delightfully funny. Follow him. @conanobrien)
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