Pet Peeve of the Week!

Ok, guys, this is going to sound really lame and bitchy of me, but my Pet Peeve of the Week is LA moms.  Now, of course, this generalization does not apply to ALL LA moms.  I've met some lovely, wonderful, attentive moms over the past 8 (!!) months.  But there are a few exceptions.  Allow me to lay them out for you in list form, because listing things fills me with joy.

LA Moms who can suck it:

1.) The Mom Who Sends Her 7 Year Old and 5 Year Old Into My Cafe Alone With a Sweaty $20:  Listen, Moms, kids that age probably shouldn't go to the bathroom in your house alone, let alone wander down a busy street with visible money in their hands.  If your child can't read and/or still calls you to wipe their asses after they poo, they are not up to ordering gelato on their own during a busy weekend rush.  They point at the tags (remember, they're illiterate), and I can't see what they're pointing to, and then the SEVEN YEAR OLD talks to me like I'm an idiot because I didn't know they were pointing to the chocolate.  Oh yeah, bitch?  At least I wipe my own ass and can read The Cat in The Hat on my own before bed.

2.) The Mom Who Doesn't Teach Her Child Manners, And Seems To Encourage a General Sense of Entitlement And Scorn For People Who Serve Them:  These moms are among my favorites, because they will literally stand there with their sunglasses on, looking bored, while their child talks to me like we're on their plantation in the South in 1860.  They'll interrupt me, refuse to say please or thank you, and aggressively grab their cone/cup out of my hand and walk away.  They'll ask to try flavors like Vanilla, just to be assholes.  I'll say "Hi, how are you?" and the child will ignore me and demand a sample of Strawberry Chip.  This makes me unbelievably sad.

3.) The Mom Who Lets Their 3 Year Old Make All of The Decisions And Has All The Time In The World:  These moms KILL me.  They'll come in with an adorable child, barely old enough to say "ice cream," and they'll stand in front of the gelato case pondering EACH flavor (over 20), asking what the child is in the mood for.  First piece of advice: before you go get "ice cream" (IT'S GELATO), perhaps ask your child how the mood is striking them.  Is today a chocolate day?  A raspberry day?  Maybe some yummy Rocky Road?  Ok, you've got a plan.  LA mom doesn't do that.  They'll ask their 3 year old things like, "How about Honey Fig Marscapone?"  Their child will begin to loudly demand chocolate.  The LA mom will then spend 5-15 minutes trying to reason with the 3 year old, who is at this point dangerously close to a spoiled-piece-of-shit tantrum.

Once a flavor is decided upon (note: the 3 year old always gets his way), the argument about cup size will begin.  The child wants the large, of course.  The mother wants him to have the "kiddie" size.  The child obviously balks at the word "kiddie" and begins to lose his shit again.  The mother smiles, not apologetically, just affectionately.  How adorable your little asshole child is.  LA mom will finally give a little and decide on an adult small.  As I begin to scoop (at this point about to throw a tantrum of my very own), the child will decide he wants a cone instead.  I have already scooped 4.5 ounces of gelato into the cup and adorned it with a small cookie straw and plastic spoon.  The LA mom's response?  "Oh, you want a cone?"  This is said loud enough for me to hear, hoping that I'll rise to the occasion and save the day.  Most times, I'll just plop the cup on the counter and stare stupidly, forcing LA mom to ask me.  She'll wince slightly and say, "He wants a cone.  Is it...is it too late?"  Too late?  Why would it be too late?  I've basically completed the transaction, the gelato is already melting in the expensive cup that I'll now have to throw out, and the nice couple behind you has now been waiting patiently for 20 minutes while you talk to your 3 year old like an elderly father with dementia.  Nah, let me put that on a cone for you!  After this, a few more "requests" are demanded of me before we can be out of each other's lives for good.  (ie:  "I WANT SPRINKLES!!  I WANT TWO EXTRA CHOCOLATE STRAWS!  I DROPPED MY SPOON!  I DROPPED MY CONE!")  All the while, there are no sheepish apologies, no explanations of missed naps or troubled phases.  Just a swipe of the credit card and the shining beacon that is our future can happily sit wherever he wants, where he will promptly spill and smear gelato all over his immediate area and LA mom will leave it for me to clean without so much as a head's up.

Final note on LA Mom #3 - HE IS A CHILD.  TELL HIM HE GETS A SMALL VANILLA OR HE'S GOING HOME WITH NOTHING.  I cannot wait until that asshole is a teenager.

4.) LA Mom Who Lets Their Tween Child Order a Decaf Latte...But Only If It's "Nonfat:"  This is wrong on so many levels, I can't even.  I mean, this place is lousy with stage moms, but to blatantly and pointedly make your kid get a nonfat drink?  Trust me, it ain't because it's good for them.  It's because LA mom wants her meal ticket to look perfect for her audition for the new Bratz Dollz commercial next week.  Just.  Gross.

Again, there are a lot of wonderful moms who come in, too.  They have lovely, well-behaved children who smile and say "thank you" and are a pleasure to deal with.  But some moms...just, no.  Some of these ladies need to step back and reevaluate what they're contributing to society.  The world doesn't need any more Lindsay Lohans, ok?  Please.

                The sight of this makes small children lose their damn minds.




**PS**  I almost forgot to tell you guys - My boss' son came in second place in the Southwest Barista Competition...and today, made it to the TOP SIX at the Nationals.  To put it like I told BRO today, "It's like a Miss USA pageant.  He was Miss Southwest.  If he wins the national competition, he'll be Miss USA.  And then he'll go on to the world competition, representing the US.  So if he wins that one...I guess he'll be Miss Universe?"  I just think it's neat that I work at this tiny shop, and this dude is so good that he's gone this far in the competition.  My place of employment is turning me into a big coffee nerd, and my boss' son is largely responsible for that.  Good Luck, Nik!!

**PPS**  Celebrity Sightings of The Week!


1.)  Ian Ziering (aka Steve Sanders of the original Beverly Hills 90210):  I know I sort of told you about this one already, but he was just so freaking cool and nice, I thought I'd elaborate.  He and his very pregnant wife came in.  Ordered gelato.  He got a coffee.  We use a pour over system, so we brew every cup individually.  He was giving my coworker such a hard time about it, it was hilarious.  "Don't mess it up, dude.  I could have you fired."  So awesome.  And equally cool?  His hot pregnant wife had the baby only days later.

2.) Justin Bruening and Alexa Havins (former Babe Chandler and Jamie Martin from All My Children):  Only soap fans will know these ones, but they come in all the time and I forget to mention it.  They are the hottest, but sweetest couple ever, and they have probably the cutest baby in LA.  And Justin is the nicest guy.  He'll chat with us all day if he's alone.  So cute.

3.) Jenna Fischer (aka Pam Beesley-Halpert of The Office):  Omg, so exciting.  Especially since I just cried my ass off this week at the Pam-Michael scene on The Office.  She was dressed down, with a friend and her baby.  She was SO nice, and I kissed her ass like it was my job.  Need to use our bathroom?  GO AHEAD!  Fill up your water bottle with ice and filtered water?  GIVE IT HERE.  She asked me to recommend a gelato to her, and I told her that biscotti is one of my faves.  (Yes, I said "faves.")  She immediately ordered it without sampling first and thanked me.  She hung out for a while.  It was awesome.

RAoK

Ok, so this may not be a big deal to some of you, but apparently I have emotional stability problems today, so it almost made me cry.

At work today, our gelato-maker, Allesandro, stopped in with a delivery.  He's a really nice guy- only came to the US from Italy 5 years ago and speaks adorable English.  (For example, he says my name "Bree-knee" and calls our small storage shed out back "the garage.")  I was working with my boss, J, and another dude, A.  When Allesandro got there, we all exchanged pleasantries, and I stayed out on the floor to help customers while the guys put away the gelato order in the back room.  A few minutes later, a customer ordered a panini, so I went in the back to grill it.  The back door was propped open, and I could see my boss sitting in his car and Allesandro kneeling on the ground.  I stared curiously until Allesandro caught me and yelled, "Bree-knee!  I am putting air in your tire!"

I was extremely confused at first, until J waved at me from his car and gestured to the dashboard.  It took me a moment to realize that J was powering some sort of air compression system through his lighter/adaptor, and Allesandro was pumping air into my back tire with it.  I was floored.  I don't know why, but my eyes welled up with tears.

Allesandro, still crouched next to my car, continued shouting;  "Is dangerous, you know!  You are so low, you gonna make a turn and blow it up!"  I felt the need to apologize and explain that while I may have suddenly become responsible in some areas of my life, taking proper care of my car wasn't one of them.  (I was also too embarrassed to admit that coworker A had warned me that my tire was getting low...2 months ago.)  He brushed me off and went back to work.

I stumbled out to coworker A and began to whine.  He was confused.  I said, "I'm not used to this!  I'm not used to people doing nice things for me like this!"  He rolled his eyes and shook his head.  (I was being a bit of a basket case over this seemingly every day situation, if you couldn't tell.)  Now listen, I'm not going to sit here and say no one does anything nice for me.  I think I've told you about my generous mother a time or two.  I'm always very grateful when BRO or BIL take the dogs out an extra time because I don't feel like it.  My aunt sends me care packages filled with candy and money.  And it's great to have a friend buy me a drink once in a while.  But for these two people, my boss and Allesandro, who I barely know, to do this for me?  I didn't know what to say.  This is in absolutely no way meant to be a negative thing, but I cannot imagine one person I know back in Buffalo doing something like that for me.  It's just not something you think about.  So for them to look at my tire and make the conscious decision to take moments away from their work schedules to ensure that I was safe was almost too much for me to handle.  Drama queen, much?

Moments later, I wandered back outside to see that they were now filling ALL of my tires with air.  Ugh.  I thanked them profusely, to the point that it got embarrassing.  It was no big deal for them.  And then Allesandro said, "Bree-knee, we do this for people we care about.  We no want you to get hurt."  UGH!

The moral of the story, kids, is to check your tires for air.  Or maybe it's that little random acts of kindness can go a long way.  Or maybe I need to get more sleep before my morning shifts so that I don't turn into a blubbering idiot when my boss offers to make me a coffee or give me a five minute break.  I don't know.  But today was the first time I felt like I was truly cared about in this city.  And it felt friggin' great.

Pet Peeve of the Week!

The phrase "just sayin'" drives me nuts.  It's a poor man's "no offense, but;" a passive aggressive "just kidding."  People think it's an automatic freebie to be rude to whoever they want with no consequences.  It's one of my newest pet peeves, and ranks right up there with people who send me text messages that read, simply, "K."

Examples of instances where "just sayin'" is not cool:

-"Those pants make your ass look weird.  Just sayin'."
-"I heard that the guy you like might be gay.  Just sayin'."
-"You're being a real bitch right now.  Just sayin'."
-"I mean, I wouldn't sleep with him on the first date.  Just sayin'."
-"You're going to which bar?  I heard that place if full of old dudes.  I mean, I'm just sayin'."

It's just another one of those things that people do that annoy me.  I mean, I have a pretty long list, so I suppose this could just be chalked up to my own heinous bitchery.  My list includes things such as: People who drag their feet when they walk, people who chew with their mouths open, girls who put a question mark at the end of every sentence, and people who dye their dog's hair pink.  Just sayin'.

Celebrity sightings of the week:  4


1. Kat Dennings : But she comes in a lot, so it's no biggie.  (Said like a true jaded asshole.)

2. Zac Efron : Real talk: I was walking outside with my friend, both to say goodbye to her and turn on these little lights we have on the umbrellas at work.  As I stepped out the door, there were 3 guys walking towards us.  I looked up and made eye contact with Zac.  I stopped talking mid sentence.  I'm pretty sure I began to emit small animal noises.  He walked on by.  I sort of collapsed on a patio table.  That was it.

3. Thomas Calabro (aka Michael Mancici from Melrose Place - the original, not the Ashlee Simpson piece of shit) : He was very polite and hasn't aged a day; but he was with some sort of Trophy Girlfriend who was wearing a polo shirt and tennis skirt, and they were both wearing visors.  So the coolness factor dropped a trillion degrees.

4. Kevin McHale (aka Artie from Glee) : I was actually on my break when he came in.  Again, it was a bit startling to see him walking, as disgusting as that sounds.  He looked good, came in with a friend, and actually stayed for a bit.  But I walked to the store while he was there and didn't insist on waiting on him, like I do with every other pseudo celeb that comes in, so that should tell you how exciting the whole thing was.  Jaaaa-ded.

               This is what I think of when I see Kevin McHale.  :(

Social Experiments Are Fun

Tonight, I decided to get off my lazy ass and go to the grocery store to procure more lazy-ass supplies (ie, various cheese snacks, frozen corn, and fruit strips).  At Von's, which is LA's version of Tops, there is only one cashier open after 9pm and no self checkout.  So as I'm standing in line with my random hodgepodge of the things I consider treats these days, I noticed that the girl being rung out couldn't find her Von's card.  Before the words, "I can't find it" were even out of her mouth, the two men on either side of me were ripping pockets open trying to loan her their cards.

Was the girl normal looking?  Of course not.  Clad in the late night LA shopping uniform of black leggings and a oversized, off the shoulder t-shirt, this girl looked like the long lost Kardashian sister.  Maybe she auditioned to play a cousin on their "unscripted" reality show, but was rejected due to the only glaring difference between her and the sisters:  She had a normal sized backside.  Poor thing.  I can only assume that she now spends her nights watching E! and refreshing Khloe Kardashian's Twitter feed.

Nah, I'm sure this girl generally does ok in life.

Anywho, the usual pleasantries were exchanged when a stranger does you a favor, and Kardashian Sister #4 shimmied off into the night.  Moments later, a thought struck me.  Hmm.

I was dressed in "boyfriend" jeans (cute name for jeans you can look like a frumpy asshole in, but it's ok because they're trendy) and a striped shirt - not a total scumbag, but nothing to cause a dramatic spit take.  I had showered today, and still had on (at least half of) the makeup I had applied this morning.  What if I couldn't find MY Von's card?

As the cashier rang up my items and did that inexplicable thing where they put a paper bag INSIDE a plastic one to bag your items (note to baggers and cashiers around the world:  if I ask you for paper, it means I don't want you to use plastic in any capacity), I mumbled that I couldn't locate my card.  I made a small scene where I rifled through my purse, huffing and puffing.  (Editor's note:  I knew where the card was the whole time, for my slower readers.)

The guys around me averted their eyes like I had just begun breast-feeding in front of them.  I continued my ruse for just long enough to almost make it weird, then triumphantly pulled out the card.  Nothing was said, no pockets were half heartedly patted, no wallet was reached for.  It was almost embarrassing for me, if it weren't so embarrassing for the guys.  How sad!

Listen, dear readers - doing little things like this could really give me a complex.  And of course, there was definitely a moment where I thought, "Really, motherfuckers?  This is how it's gonna be?  37 seconds after I WATCHED YOU give KS4 your card, you're going to pretend you have no idea that I exist?  Got it."  But it's so stupid, I really have to just shake my head and laugh.  I mean, maybe it had nothing to do with KS4's tiny waist and my lumpy one.  Maybe the guys prefer long dark hair as opposed to long red hair.  Maybe they thought I had mental problems and they got embarrassed, like when you see a kid in a wheelchair at the mall and you feel bad but you kind of move away at the same time.  Maybe they had used up their daily allotment for kindness.  Or maybe they thought they were on Primetime: What Would You Do? and didn't like what they were wearing, so they didn't speak up for fear of being featured on tv in their jammies.  Whatever.  This is how this damn town works, and it's important to keep perspective.  It's better to find things like this hilarious than to go home and cry into my cottage cheese because two douchers didn't look at me and immediately contemplate rapey situations.

At least I know that my mother raised me right, and I will always over tip, smile at strangers, ask a server how they're doing, make eye contact with the barista at Starbucks, and let people in when stuck in traffic.  And, dear reader, if you ever find yourself at Von's without a card and I am in line behind you, I will always let you borrow mine.  Even if you are a little person.  And little people scare me.

New Leaf

Well, it's been a while.  I've decided recently that I need to stop trying to think of these huge long posts to write once a month and utilize this blog for what a blog is meant for:  Daily writing.  So, from now on, I'm going to try to write something short a few times a week, whether it be about me or celebrities.

Let me begin by clearing up a few misperceptions about my life in Los Angeles.  People always want to know "what's new and exciting."  Well the truth is...nothing, really.  That's not to say that weekly celebrity sightings aren't awesome - they're what I live for.  But really, all I do is work, sleep, and take the dogs out.  You see, LA is expensive (you didn't know?), so to pay my bills, I need to work 6 days a week.  That leaves little time for fun excursions.  My coworker was shocked today to hear that I have yet to visit Santa Barbara.  I felt like saying, "You see me here EVERY DAY.  When did you think I would go - on my 10 minute break?"

But at the same time, just being here is amazing.  I've really fallen in love with it out here...I find that I think about Buffalo less and less.  I miss everyone, but in a different way now.  I'm establishing friendships out here that, while lovely, could never compare with my friends back home.  But it's nice to be able to invite someone over for a movie marathon and not have their answer be, "Yeah, let me just hop on a plane."

So while my life may not be all glamour and opportunity at the moment, I will still try my hardest to keep you updated here about the daily goings-on.  The next time an exciting celeb comes in, I'll make sure to blog about it instead of just a short blurb on Facebook.  That way you all can really live vicariously through me, the glorified ice cream scooper!

I'm also going to touch on interesting celeb stories throughout the week.  So male friends, this may be when you'd like to hit the little red "x" in the corner of your browser window.

1.) Charlie Sheen's Tour:  I haven't blogged about Charlie because SO many people are, I really have nothing more to say.  But I do find it almost sad that the first "show" on his "tour" bombed so badly.  Not sad for him, so much, but just at the situation.  I'm sad for the thousands of people who paid money to see that train wreck.  I'm sad for the people who are working behind the scenes who think they'll be on the road for the next month or so, and will now probably be forced to look for another gig.  And I'm sad for Charlie's kids - but I'm always sad for them.

Above all else, I think it's amazing that people booed the entire show and left early.  "I already got your money, dude!" = One Classy Bitch.

2.) Britney Spears' 2nd (4th?) Comeback:  So Britney released her SEVENTH album this week, and she was all over my tv promoting it.  Seriously, you guys...what is wrong with her?  Isn't she supposed to be better by now?  I mean, I get that she had a breakdown a while back.  But hasn't she been on meds and in therapy and all that?  Why is she STILL so out of it?  And why doesn't she dance anymore?  She just kind of kicks her legs and gyrates her hips.  Oh, and flips her hair.  Lots of hair flipping.  Also, why doesn't she EVER fix her weave when she goes out in public?

(Or wear a bra, apparently.)  I think she's really, really crazy in the head, guys.

3.) Lindsay Lohan to Play Sharon Tate?:  News broke today that the role of the brutally murdered Sharon Tate has been offered to LA's resident denial queen, Lindsay Lohan.  The movie would center on Charles Manson and his "family," including on the infamous murders of a pregnant Tate and her friends.

Beyond the superficial similarities (which include blonde hair and...that's it), I cannot see how this is a good choice.  If I were a surviving member of Tate's family, I would be on every news program that would have me to protest this casting choice.  Lohan doesn't deserve to play someone so innocent.  This may not be an issue come April 22nd, however:  Lindsay faces 3 years in prison for grand theft and probation violation.

4.) Reese Witherspoon Gets Married Again:  Yawn.  But thanks, Reese, for putting my oneandonlylove, Jake Gyllenhaal, back on the market.

Until next time, friends...which will be sooner than 3 months from now, I promise.

---Celebrity sightings this week:


1: Meredith and Lexie Grey's Father (Grey's Anatomy); aka Thatcher Grey
Real Name:  Jeff Perry
Other notable credits:  Lost, My So-Called Life, The West Wing, Wild Things, and Prison Break