I Was With Coco

As if any of you don't know this already, I traveled to New York City a few days ago to see Conan O'Brien's "Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour" at Radio City Music Hall. I can't even think of the appropriate words to describe the actual show at the moment, so allow me to tell you a bit about my trip.

My friend Lisa and I left the area around 10:45am on Monday, thinking we'd be to NYC at around 5 or 6pm. We completely forgot that it was Memorial Day. What was supposed to be a 6 1/2 hour trip slowly turned into an 11 hour trip. We were stuck in traffic near the Poconos for two hours, and on the George Washington Bridge for about an hour and a half. The GWB was the most insane thing I've ever seen - people cutting in front of us without warning, semi trucks changing lanes at the last possible moment. People even came within inches of scraping Lisa's car a few times. It was nerve-wracking to say the least. By the time we got there, we were shaken and exhausted.

Once we arrived at our friend Christopher's place near Harlem, we ran upstairs to freshen up, then walked a few blocks to a Memorial Day barbecue. Christopher's place was much bigger than I thought it would be, but his friend's place was really nice for Harlem. Set up like a page out of a modern home-decor magazine, it was all black and white with an exposed brick wall and large terrace. It was tiny, but didn't feel that way - sort of my dream NYC apartment. (But perhaps in a slightly better location...)

We stayed at the barbecue just long enough to drown our nerves in a few cocktails, then headed back to Christohper's for a good night's sleep. We awoke early the next morning and prepared for the day ahead. Lisa and I wanted to get slightly dressed up for Conan's show later that night, but we were planning on walking around the city for a bit first. Doing that in heels obviously isn't the best idea, so Christopher kindly offered to take our dresses and heels to work with him so we wouldn't have to take the subway for 100 blocks back to his apartment. We set out for the theater district. We wanted to stay in the immediate area of Radio City so that we could stop and grab our tickets before 3:30. We found a decent looking tourist-y restaurant and sat down to have lunch.

The food was really good, but unfortunately at one point, Lisa looked up only to see a man standing behind me with his fly open and his penis sticking out of it. The strange thing was that he looked completely normal, but we couldn't figure out how he couldn't feel...a breeze. Right? I refused to look at it, but Lisa said she must have seen it about 100 times. I still don't regret my decision to avert my eyes.

After our peep show, we decided to head down to Radio City. We planned to grab the tickets and our wristbands, then go to Christopher's store to get changed. When we walked in, we were told that we couldn't get our tickets yet, and that even though the email I got said BY 3:40pm, we were actually supposed to pick them up AT 3:40. Bollocks. So Lisa and I went over to Rockafeller Center and shopped a bit for souvenirs. Soon enough, it was time to head back. This time, we got our tickets no problem. As we were about to walk away, the box office man said, "So you can head outside and get in line, and your guide will be down in a few minutes to take you to soundcheck."

Um. What?

I got selfish for a moment and forgot how excited I was to see the show (and how much my mother had paid for the tickets). I was pissed. We had been walking around in 80 degree heat all afternoon. I was sweaty. I was stinky. I had swamp ass. My hair was flat and my makeup was all but gone. I was in no shape to possibly see/meet Conan O'Brien. We had joked a few times about Conan maybe being at soundcheck, but I knew it would most likely only be the band tuning their instruments. By the time our show guide showed up, I had decided to forget about how I looked and focus on the fun I was about to have. Perhaps we'd be able to sneak out and change before the actual show.

As we lined up inside Radio City Music Hall's lobby, Lisa and I somehow managed to be 2nd and 3rd in line. Again, we thought it didn't really matter because, while still really cool, there would be no way the man himself would be there. Then this happened:

Show Guide: "Ok, guys, we're just waiting for the ok to go in. Before I get the call, I just wanted to say," (garbled talking on her walkie), "Oops! Here we go! We don't want to keep Conan waiting!"

Me: Instant stomach ache and ass sweat.

As we walked in, I think I may have blacked out a little. (This would happen several times that night, and for once, it wasn't due to drinking.) I somehow managed to move myself toward the stage, where a familiar man with crazy red hair stood, strumming his guitar. It was him. He was there. And I looked dumpy. (I know this didn't matter at all, as I wouldn't and didn't talk to him, but that was how my mind worked. As if Conan would take one look at me and say, "Oh, if only you were wearing heels - I would have left my wife and children in a heartbeat!" Please.)

The next 20 minutes were a blur of real (imagined?) eye contact and a ridiculous amount of blushing. I swear to Christ that LaBamba and I looked at each other for a full 3 seconds and laughed together. (As a quick side note, before you start to think that I seriously thought that Conan was looking at me and only me - there were only about 20-25 of us in the entire theater, we were directly in front of him, and he really had nowhere else to look while he was playing - I'm sure he made eye contact with all of us at some point. Just let me dream, ok?)

After I had sufficiently panicked enough for 20 minutes, our guide ushered those with blue wristbands (us + 15 more people) downstairs to the cocktail party while those with orange wristbands (bollocks!!) got to stay with Conan for a meet and greet. The cocktail party was fun, but uneventful. Lisa and I got stuck talking to this complete horror of a woman who loved to hear herself talk and must have mentioned Twitter at least 127 times. We could have left at that point to go get changed, but we decided that our chance to meet Conan had come and gone, and we didn't care what we looked like anymore.

The show began, and it was amazing. Conan was hilarious and adorable, and we could tell that he was really having a blast up there. He actually mocked out Leno a few times (albeit without mentioning his name) and brought out some fan favorites like the Masturbating Bear (now renamed the Self Pleasuring Panda) and the Walker, Texas Ranger Lever. Conan actually has a decent singing voice - not the stuff of record deals, but decent. He brought out Vampire Weekend for a song, and I almost had a stroke. Watching him mouth the words along with the lead singer while playing guitar was really cute. Then, the extra special portion...

Stephen Colbert was the first major guest to walk out on stage. A hilarious dance off ensued (which I'm sure most people have seen on the internet by now) that ended in Colbert "pulling his hamstring" and almost admitting defeat until a voice boomed from the back of the theater, "Don't you dare, Colbert!" Of course it was John Stewart, dressed in some sort of flamenco outfit, complete with shiny red shirt and black cumberbund. Stewart offered to take Colbert's place in the dance off, and he did until Andy Richter came out and fake shot him. As he lay fake dying, Colbert leaned down to ask him, "Can I have 11:00?" It was really funny.

Then Conan introduced SNL's Bill Hader to pull the Walker, Texas Ranger lever, and he asked the crowd what character we wanted him to do. After a beat of awkward silence, someone shouted out, "Stephen!" So Hader pulled the lever as his nervous gay club consultant.

Then, John Krasinski came out, and Lisa and I almost had seizures. He was appropriately adorable, even leaning down to shake the hand of an older woman Conan had been harrassing earlier in the show. (And yes, Lisa and I hated her with every fiber of our beings.)

Then. Paul Rudd. I blacked out again. Lisa remembers what he talked about, but I have no clue. I know I have a video of him on my camera, but I have to go out and buy a new charger before I can watch it. The suspense is killing me.

The rest of the show played out in funny, if uneventful, fashion. Conan sang a few more songs in a sparkly jacket, then came back for a fun encore. I'm sure I'm leaving many details out, but like I said, much of the night was a blur. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life. If Tina Fey had shown up, I would have spontaneously combusted.

The rest of the trip was great, but short. We left for home the next morning. As always when I leave New York City, I was sullen and teary eyed. I love that goddamned city so much. It's funny - when I was there, Christopher offered to let me move in with him for about the same as I'd be paying in LA. Hmm. What do you do when you're in love with 2 cities?